(Cherry Hill, NJ) – President Donald Trump’s newly formed U.S. Department of Social Studies (USDSS) has initiated its first major nationwide study, perhaps the first ever of its kind, regarding the nature and permenance of tattoos. The study was instituted to answer three questions:

1. What are tattoos?

2. Where can I get a tattoo?

3. Are tattoos permanent?

In answering the first question, the USDSS spent three months analyzing the simplified English Wikipedia article “Tattoos,” (https://simple.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tattoo) and determined that tattoos are a form of body modification, placing them in the same category as appendectomies and lobotomies. This particular body modification is enabled by putting ink into the skin of a human or animal, thus precipitating the USDSS to partner with PETA and the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Acceptance of the resulting collaborative report is pending board review, expected to be completed within three months of submission, which will likely occur by the end of March, 2017.

In answering the second question, the USDSS again turned to an analysis of the simplified English Wikipedia article “Tattoos,” referenced above, as well as touring major cities for businesses bearing the word “tattoo.” The results indicated that tattoos are most frequently acquired at locations known as “parlors,” which are regulated by some other branch of the government (grant for this research pending). The second most frequent venue for acquiring tattoos is in hidden alleyways between buildings near city centers. 

The answer to the third question may not be known for three months. After visiting each of the parlors and alleyways identified in answering the second question, three of the four researchers received a combined total of 1,323 tattoos covering at least 90% of their bodies; the fourth researcher did not receive any tattoos, and will serve as a control subject. The researchers have agreed to keep the tattoos on their bodies for the duration of the three-month study. 

At the time of this writing, after a week of careful observation, it was found that all of the tattoos are still present on each of the researchers, and their reported level of pain has subsided to a manageable level. These preliminary results are inconclusive, and we must wait for the end of the three-month research period for a conclusive result.

In the meantime, the Novel Premise staff has studied the data and is predicting that the research team will conclude that tattoos are not permanent, and that they may be safely acquired for short periods without danger of long-term embarrassment, regret or job loss.