(Fort Meade, MD) – For the first time since the inauguration of President Donald Trump, the National Security Agency (NSA) has made progress towards forming a lasting alliance with the Executive Branch. In a surprising move, the NSA has agreed to stop talking, and simply listen more.

Ever since President Trump stated that he did not intend to read the President’s Daily Brief (PDB), the NSA has struggled to find its voice in the new administration. Previously, the PDB served as a daily communication between the Intelligence Community and the President, with the NSA occasionally adding value to one or more footnotes in the acronym listing. Since inauguration day, morale has been at its lowest point in the three hundred year history of the super secret spy agency. 

Admiral Michael Rogers, Director of the NSA, conducted a pseudo-scientific opinion poll of all NSA workers, excluding pesky contractors, and determined that the best course of action would be to do what NSA does best: listen.

As a result, NSA monitoring will be increased as of Wednesday, February 15. This will mean that in addition to monitoring all telegraph transmissions and carrier pigeon messages, NSA analyists will be positioned at the entrance of all Walmart stores, posing as greeters. Also, NSA code breakers will walk barefoot and invade the personal space of strangers on all D.C. Metro trains and busses.

In each of these cases, the NSA employees will be listening for acronyms to include in future PDBs, in the hope that one day, either through the passing of time or through an impeachment process, the PDB will be great again.