(Hamilton, Bermuda) – A new Hamilton University study released today in the Journal of Clinical Inquiry has concluded that climate change is both evident and obvious, as noted by a randomly selected sample of diverse observers from around the globe. The study indicates that most humans have been affected greatly by climate change during periods of as small as a single day.

The study, conducted by  Dr. Smith Sullenberger and Dr. Aji Halaiwaiki, both tenured professors at Hamilton University, was comprised of a random sample of observers in the Bahamas, Alaska, Iran, Siberia, Turkey, Algeria, and Sri Lanka. In each location, respondents were approached at high-traffic venues such as airports, harbors, and embassies and asked to participate in the survey. Questions were designed to probe the observers for their experiences in regard to changes in climate for the past day, week, month and year. All questions were asked in English, and only safe-looking hat-less people with valid passports were approached and/or included in the survey.

Surprisingly, 89% of respondents from all locations except for Algeria reported that they had experienced changes in climate during at least the past week, with 39% reporting having experienced changes in climate during the past day. Observers in airports and harbors were more likely to have experienced climate change than those in embassies. However, observers in embassies reported that a great period of climate change occurred during January of this year.

Respondents from Iran reported a constant, unpredictable change of climate and a high level of uncertainty and anxiety, accompanied by tingling sensations as if they were being subjected to high levels of radiation, perhaps by the sun. Those from Sri Lanka, Turkey, Algeria and Siberia were most likely to have answered “yes,” to all of the questions on the survey, despite most questions being open-ended. Bahamians took the longest to answer the survey, often appearing to fall into a coma of happiness and reaching for a spot of rum whenever the breeze picked up.

Alaskan observers stated that the greatest change in climate occurred after the departure of former Governor Sarah Palin, while those in Siberia attributed their greatest change in climate to the return of Vladimir Putin to leadership. Data scientists and textual analysts are working to discover whether the similarity in names (i.e., they both begin with ‘P,’ and end with ‘in’) bears any significance to the results of the survey. This additional work had not been completed in time to be included in the journal submission, due to grant requests for this research having been denied. Since Algerian respondents reported no observations of climate change at all; their responses were omitted from the final results.

In a press statement, Dr. Sullenberger said that “this study puts to rest the question of whether humans are experiencing climate change.” His colleague, Dr. Halaiwaiki, whose doctoral studies and dissertation were based solely on this research, agreed with vigorous nods of his head. “There is no doubt, ” Dr. Sullenberger continued, “that over the course of small periods of time, humans, especially those travelling to distant parts of the globe, are experiencing rapid climate change in great numbers.”

At a press conference today, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer denied these findings, called them a sham, and referred reporters to the website change.org for definitive answers to their questions.