(London, UK) – Queen Elizabeth II has begun the process of legally changing her name, as she seeks to cope with what her son, Prince Charles, has referred to as “my mum’s mid-life crisis.”

Queen Elizabeth has been the reigning monarch of the United Kingdom since February 6th, 1952, over a year before she was crowned, making her the longest-lived British monarch in history. She is also currently the world’s second oldest reigning monarch, after Kim Il-sung, Eternal Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

The Queen has collected merits, awards, titles and honors that are too numerous to count, except by two of her publicly-funded staff who were specially selected for that duty. Her only regret in life seems to be that there is one honor she might never achieve: the oldest person to be crowned as Queen.

For this reason, the beloved monarch has declared that as of June 2nd of this year, she will no longer be known as Queen Elizabeth II;  she will from that point on be known as Queen Elizabeth III. This is an event without precedent in the history of Britain and the Commonwealth, and has precipitated a forum of historians, lawyers and therapists to determine how to handle this situation.

The conclusion of the forum is that the Queen must resign her position at the time of her legal name change, and then be crowned again as monarch under her new name.

At 90 years old, this would make Queen Elizabeth III the oldest person to be crowned Queen of any country in the history of the world, thus nicely rounding out the numerous honors that have already been bestowed on her with one that is unlikely to be repeated.

Upon being told of this news, Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh and consort to the Queen said “that’s all rubbish and poppycock.” His official spokesperson stated that he is very happy with his wife’s decision, and he supports her fully.

Prince Charles, heir apparent to the throne, has been staring blankly out of his bedroom window as if he expects the sky to suddenly disappear at any moment. His official spokesperson has reportedly been sobbing uncontrollably since hearing the news, and is not receptive to comforting of any sort.