(Moscow, Russia) – Russian President Vladimir Putin announced today that his country will be initiating the building of a secure wall across the northern border of the country. The wall would stretch from Kaliningrad to Ratmanov Island, a distance of about 9,200 km. According to the Russian President, the wall will be paid for by setting up toll stations across the arctic region, once the polar ice cap has fully melted.

For years, Russia has feared an invasion of moose and Canadian geese from Northern Canada, as these populations have been growing at an unprecedented rate. Russia fears that the wildlife population is being purposely increased in preparation for reprisal for the introduction of Russian Knapweed (Rhaponticum repens), the Russian Wheat Aphid (Diuraphis noxia), and the Russian Olive (Elaeagnus angustifolia) into North America during the 1980’s and 1990’s. The United States has allegedly responded by introducing the ash-leaved maple (acer negundo), Powell’s Amaranth (Amaranthus povelii), and Chenopodium atripliciforme (some sort of plant) into Siberia; however as of this date, no reprisals have been detected from Canada. 

Putin has indicated that he fears Canada is waiting for “just the right moment” to execute on their plans for a species infestation that will likely devastate the local ecosystem. In addition to the wall, Russia has been moving more villagers and suburbanites to Sibera on a voluntary basis. 

“It is a beautiful place to live. A very beautiful place. If I were not so important to the welfare of this great nation, I would move there myself,” Putin said during a press conference announcing the wall. “This wall will further beautify the very desirous northern and eastern regions of our great nation so that all will be envious throughout the world.”

After the press conference, U.S. President Donald Trump tweeted: “#CopyCat #Putin. So, so unoriginal #TearDownThatWall”  

Elsewhere in the world, responses have been similar. China is worried that the Russian wall will outshadow its own decaying attraction, known as the “Great Wall,” that is responsible for bringing in tourism revenue that comprises 55% of the country’s GDP. Sarah Palin is worried that the wall will obstruct her view of Russia. Mexico has expressed fear that the jobs Trump promised through the building of the U.S./Mexico border wall will be siphoned off to build the Russian wall.

When asked to comment, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau smiled and declined to comment, other than to say “patience is a virtue.”