(Flint, MI) – Tom Brady, the revered and admired quarterback for the New England Patriots has spent the past week ignoring allegations that he had performance enhancing substances in his body in the fourth quarter of the historic SuperBowl LI.

The allegations (see this article) state that Tom Brady had both endogenous opioid neuropeptides and dihydroxyphenethylamine present in his body during the unexpected Patriots Superbowl comeback quarter. At a press conference today, Mr. Brady surprised reporters by not only admitting to the allegations, but also defending his use of the substances. 

“Listen, folks, ” Brady said. “If you don’t have the time to do some Google searches, or consult Wikipedia before writing an article, then I don’t know what to say. I read the article from that two-bit blog site, too, and it took me about ten seconds to figure out what it was saying. And when I say that, I mean ten ‘quarterback seconds’, which would mean a bit less than a half second for a typical non-QB or journalist.”

A Washington Post reporter then asked, “Are you on those substances right now, as we speak?”

“Yes,” replied Brady. “And so are you. Hey, I played college ball; I went to college; I took basic science courses. I also know how to do a Google search. That Cyril blogger guy was saying that I had endorphins and dopamine in my body. Well, duh. Everyone has those substances in their bodies.”

An Annapolis Capital-Gazette reporter then asked, “So, you admit to using performance enhancing substances?”

Brady answered, “No. However, I admit to being human, and thereby having those substances in my body. Don’t they require journalist majors to take science classes? How about logic classes? How could you fall for that nonsense? No wonder there is so much fake news on the Internet.”

The press conference ended with Tom Brady reading aloud the 1728 edition of Isaac Watts’ classic textbook, “Logic:  The right use of reason, in the inquiry after truth” in its entirety.

The reporters at the press conference sat with their mouths hanging open for most of the hour that it took for Tom Brady to read the dense 350-page textbook. Brady’s incredible reading rate was 11 seconds per page, or a bit over three and a half minutes in quarterback time. All of the reporters left the conference enlightened.