(Humboldt County, CA) – A USA Today poll has named Humboldt County, California as the most relaxing place in America, reflecting what millions of Americans have known for decades.

The poll, conducted by Alice B. Toklas Survey, LLC., asked a random sample of a representative cross section of Americans to nominate a city, county, locale, or venue that they felt embodied a lifestyle of relaxation and rest. Pollsters from Alice B. Toklas visited each of the thirty finalist locations in order to conduct resident surveys and rate the locations using a standardized Dagga rubric. Humboldt was leaf and loaf above all of the other finalists. “Colorado after the amendment” also scored very well, but did not meet the criteria for inclusion in the poll.

Novel Premise sent correspondent Cyril Martinelli to determine what made Humboldt County so special.

Upon arriving in the town, Martinelli stopped at the Viper mini-mart on local route 420. The owners of the store, Mary and Johnny Weaver were both standing motionless behind the counter, and several patrons sat on stools near the front window, enjoying the day. Besides the smokey haze, the place had nice atmosphere. After being in the store for a few minutes, Martinelli began to feel quite relaxed.

When Martenelli asked what they thought about the honor of winning the USA Today poll, two of the patrons, Bud and Herb, after a moment or two, said that they felt honored, but were a bit frightened that the attention would be bad for their business.

“We’ve been in the business for most of our lives,” Bud said, after staring at Martinelli for a few minutes. “We have lots of competitors, you know: Jamaica, Pakistan, South Africa, Columbia, Acapulco, Angola, Cambodia, Thailand, and now the U.S. Government. Everyone wants to get a piece of the action.” When asked what business they were in, Bud and Herb stared out the window for a few minutes, and then Herb said that they were “into broccoli.”

“It doesn’t taste very good, but it’s the potency, not the flavor that counts,” added a third patron, known as Chira. Martinelli, not being an exotic vegetable fan, turned down their offer of a sample, and declined joining them in a clam bake. After a while, Herb told Martinelli that his Aunt Mary sells bags around town to tourists, and she does well. “Catnip is good business.” (Editor’s Note: Catnip bags?)

When asked about the catnip business, the group stayed silent for about forty-five minutes, so Martenelli finally asked, “What do you use for weed control up here?”

After an hour of silence, Martinelli decided to visit more of the county. Before leaving, he bought some Munchies from Mary and Johnny.

Martenelli found Mary Weaver, Herb’s Aunt, sitting on a street corner at the intersection of Doradilla and Guneon. She looked happy, relaxed, and was smiling a huge smile.

“I heard that you sell catnip bags,” Martinelli remarked. He was surprised that Mary, so very relaxed, suddenly stood up and clamped her hand over his mouth. “Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” she whispered. “Do you want to rouse the fuzz?”

Sherriff Fraho approached Mary and Martinelli, and asked whether there was trouble. Martinelli, not seeing any indication that Fraho was a sherif, asked him for identification. “Do you want to see my gold star? We don’t want any trouble around here. If you’re not going to get the wind, then I’d like to see you blow with it.”

The three stared at each other for about an hour before Martinelli decided that it was time to leave.

Novel Premise will just need to trust USA Today on this one, as we did not find the town to be in any way relaxing. A bit odd…slightly paranoid…but not relaxing.