(Welcomshire, WV) – Researchers at the West Virginia College of Social Sciences have published the results of their ten-year research effort in the International Journal of Longitudinal Studies. The research sought to determine whether a perceived increase in the incidence of corrective hair surgery observed over the past two decades was statistically significant.

The researchers have concluded that there has been an unexplainably sharp increase in the incidence of corrective hair surgery, starting during the early 1990’s, and continuing through the present day. They have discovered a strong correlation between this increase and the fluctuating unemployment rate, the average age that children leave their parents’ home, and the aggregate volume in decibels of music on the Billboard top 40. 

These findings are significant not only because of the strength of the correlations, but also because it was found that absolutely none of the corrective hair procedures were covered by medical insurance, even the Affordable Care Act. All participants paid for the procedures out of their own pockets.

The number of patients receiving these procedures is estimated to have been in the hundreds of millions over the course of the past two decades. This amounts to billions of dollars in medical procedures that were not covered by health insurance.

The study also found that there is a bias against women in regard to the cost of these procedures. On the average, women pay almost four times the amount paid by men for the same basic procedures, and often pay extra for special aspects of their procedures that are particular to women. Factoring out these special procedures, women paid around $12,000, compared to $3,600 for men for equivalent procedures.

In President-Extant Donald Trump’s speech before a joint session of congress tonight, he cited this research, saying, “We’ve been living with this unfair discrepancy for too long. There should be no reason that our citizens are paying for these procedures out of their own pockets. As part of my replacement for Obamacare, I guarantee that these procedures will be fully covered. 100% covered. As they should be. No; no; no out of pocket expenses.”

In a break from decorum, Vice President Michael Pence walked up to the President and whispered into his ear while the President listened intently. Amid the silence in the chamber, the President-Extant yelled, “Haircuts?!” The feedback from the podium microphone was so loud that at least twenty members of congress had to be escorted to the congressional medical facilities, where they received the best care that America has to offer, for only a $20 co-pay.

After a significant pause, while his speech-writers updated the teleprompter, the President-Extant said, with a serious expression on his face, “never mind.”