Cyril Martinelli

Rhode Island to be Declared a Dwarf State

(Providence, RI) – Officials from the National institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) have updated their working definition of the word “state” in relation to self-governed areas within the United States. 

Starting May 1st, an additional requirement for a territory to be declared a state will include that it must comprise at least 2000 square miles. Rhode Island, sometimes known as “Little Rhody” is comprised of only 1,214 square miles, thus disqualifying it from being a state under the new standards. While the state will thenceforth be known as a dwarf state, it will also lose its “island” designation, as it does not meet the National Geological Survey’s definition of what constitutes an island. This means that as of May 1st, the State of Rhode Island will revert to being known as the Territory of Rhode.

This change does not require the approval of the State of Rhode Island, nor the permission of Congress, as an executive order signed by the President on February 10th gives NIST full jurisdiction over standards. The legislature of Rhode Island has filed an appeal with the U.S. Senate; however this is not expected to yield positive results, since NIST is governed by the Executive branch.

In addition to the demotion of Rhode Island, the following nine territories will be promoted to being official states. Again, this does not require the permission of the territories in question, nor the permission of congress.

  1. The Navajo Nation, Arizona-New Mexico-Utah (27,096 square miles)
  2. Osage Oklahoma (2304 square miles)
  3. Yakama, Washington (2,188) square miles
  4. Flathead, Montana (2,057) square miles
  5. Wind River, Wyoming (3,532 square miles)
  6. Uintah-Ouray, Utah (6,825 square miles)
  7. Pine Ridge, South Dakota-Nebraska (3,472 square miles)
  8. Fort Apache, Arizona (2,631 square miles)
  9. Puerto Rico (3,515 square miles)

Thus, starting on May 1st, 2017, there will be 58 states.

The new American flag will consist of the usual thirteen red and white stripes, and a total of 58 stars, arranged with a row of 9 stars, followed by 5 rows of 8 stars, followed by a final row of 9 stars.

Citizens of the territories that will become states have been holding sit-ins for the past week. They have no right of appeal until the territories become states. At that time, none of the states will have a right to secede from the nation, and all citizens of these states will be required to have health insurance, as per the Affordable Care Act.