(Кулебаки, Россия) – The quaint town of Kulebaki in the Nizhny Novgorod Oblast province of Russia has become the focus of an international hacking investigation. Computer communications originating from the town have been implicated in zero-day attacks against American targets, mainly in suburban areas.

A zero-day attack is the use and exploitation of computer vulnerabilities before the fact of the vulnerability has been released to the public. This means that a typical computer user could not download security updates for their computer before hackers can exploit the vulnerability.

Hackers using these attacks may download sensitive information from their victim’s computer, or even take over the computer for other crimes.

If this weren’t serious enough, the hackers in Kulebaki are targeting members of a disenfranchised group that has a long history of being vulnerable to unforeseen events: procrastinators. The Kulebaki hackers are taking advantage of procrastinators by using zero-day exploits up to three months after the relevant security updates have been released to the public.

“This is a horrifying practice that targets a vulnerable group, most of whom are Americans,” said CIA Special Agent Smythe Anders. “These attacks must be stopped, even if it means taking direct action against the perpetrators.”

When Anders was asked what he meant by “direct action,” he had no reply. An anonymous CIA spokesman noted that in its widest sense, direct action could entail anything from making threatening facial expressions to the use of atomic weapons. In 95% of cases involving the CIA, threatening facial expressions are used. The other 5% are handled using “shaming” techniques on Twitter from pseudonymous accounts.

Procrastinators Helping Procrastinators, a world-wide support group for procrastinators had not responded to queries on this topic, but has suggested that they plan to do so.

Meanwhile, the Kulebaki hackers are continuing their inexcusable electronic terrorism against those who are least able to defend themselves. These incidents may lead to increased tension between the United States and Russia. Photos of infant procrastinating computer users have even now been delivered to the Oval Office.

A proportional response from the White House is expected soon.