Cyril Matinelli, September 11, 2018

In a world filled with toxic sludge, bacterial infections and animal sicknesses of every sort, it can be difficult to keep yourself healthy. Thankfully, there are tried and true methods for attaining and maintaining good health.

The methods included in this article are contained in an ancient manuscript (KG.525.6752.1) that was found near the headwaters of the Nile river in 2011 by distinguished explorer and scientist Dr. John J. Talbot of Heilmacher University of Florencedale. The manuscripts have been dated as being more than 2000 years old, and are written in an early dialect of neo-classical Swahili.

These methods presume an abundance of oyster shells and fresh-water algae. If you cannot find these available locally, you can ask for them at any medium-sized lawn and garden store.

Here are the five most relevant health tips from the manuscript.

1. Cure for emaciated hair follicles

The manuscript has many recipes and suggestions for improving hair quality, but we included this one in the list because it was the most relevant.

Have you ever noticed that your hail follicles are emaciated? Have you ever wished that you could thicken your hair so that you didn’t stand out in a crowd for the wrong reasons? I’m sure that we all of have had this problem on occasion, and there is a simple cure:

Ingredients:
8oz fresh-water algae, yellow-tinted
1lb salted oyster shells
1 cup whole milk
1 tube mint toothpaste

With a blender, crush the oyster shells until they are a fine powder. Then, slowly add the algae, milk and toothpaste in equal portions until the powder has the consistency of a gooey paste.

Cover your hair with this mixture twice a day for a week, and then shampoo out the remaining amounts. Note that for full effect, you should not wash out the mixture before the end of a week.

2. Cure for toe fidgeting

This doesn’t seem to be an issue in modern times, but it was apparently an issue for the writers of the manuscript. According to the best translations, it seems that fidgeting with one’s toes was considered to be rude in any social gathering. The punishment for toe fidgeting could range from a heavy slap to a night in the lagoon.

Ingredients:
One handful of unsalted oyster shells
Elmer’s glue

Crush the oyster shells until they are sharp and no more than 3 centimeters in any dimension. Next, cover your toes with a generous heaping of Elmer’s glue. Rub your toes into the oyster shells until they are completely covered. Don’t worry about cuts you might sustain, but just let them bleed until the glue dries. Once the glue dries, you can walk as you like on your feet. Toe fidgeting will immediately cease. Re-apply as necessary.

3. Breakfast Meal Replacement

The writers of the manuscript were conscious about the need for good heating habits, but they also lived in a society where being very busy was admired. Often, they had to go without a good meal for days at a time. For these instances they created many meal replacements, the following of which was included three times in the manuscript.

Ingredients:
1/4 cup of fresh-water algae
Paprika to taste
3/4 cup of salt water

Pour the salt water into a glass and stir until all residue and minerals are dissolved or in motion. Stir the algae into the salt water. Add paprika to taste. Drink no more than three of these per day.

4. Cure for algae overdose

The modern world may not have an algae overdose problem, but the ancient world certainly did! Anyone who often skipped regular meals was likely in danger of having too much algae and salt water in their system.

Ingredients:
2 gallons of fresh water
Paprika to taste

Flavor the fresh water with paprika until it is tolerable, then drink the 2 gallons of fresh water as quickly as possible, but no faster than 6 ounces in any given 11.24 minute period (times are converted from the ancient measurement system).

5. The Ancient Secret to a Long Life

We saved the best for last! This tip was given in the margin of the title page of the manuscript, and was obviously written by a secondary author. However, we have tested its veracity and found that it is either authentic, or so irrefutable that it may as well be authentic.

We’ll just include the quote as given in the manuscript:

“Don’t listen to these quacks!”