Cyril Matinelli, January 17, 2020

The Presidential Election season is off to a good start, with just under one viable candidate on each side of the aisle. The past several years we have reported that the candidates did not have even a hint of a chance at being elected: 2017 was an especially slow year, with most politicians still crying over the 2016 election; 2018 saw only a handful of potential candidates, none of which did more than raise money. In 2019, though there were at least one hundred citizens who expressed interest in running, none of them became actual candidates in time for the election. The year 2020 will be somewhat different.

This year, we not only had a plethora of potential candidates, it is also possible that there will be three actual Presidents, depending on decisions being hashed out in the impeachment hearings. Three Presidents in one single year may be too much for us to handle, and it may be that afterwards we will need to have at least one year without a President.

Let’s look at the slate of candidates this year:

From the left side of the aisle (7th Grade):

Felix Harris: 12 years old. Identifies as a boy. This one is showing major potential! He was Treasurer for the past two years, and we haven’t had to account for any missing money since that time.

Julie Smithfield Harris: 12 years old. Identifies as a chipmunk. Julie is no relation to Felix, yet, but has changed her name in anticipation of one day becoming Felix’s wife. She would like Felix to remain treasurer, so that they can start to build a nest egg together. Whatever that means.

From the right side of the aisle (8th Grade):

Robert Hanselhoff: 13 years old. Identifies as an 18 years old man, according to his ID. Having been captain of the Ping-pong team for the past three years, Robert brings much finesse to the table. He wants to be named captain of the chess club, but that honor is bestowed by the President. Since there has been no President for several years, there is no captain of the chess club. QED.

Marshall Willinholly: 13 years old. Identifies as the President. Marshall has been President of his own fan club for years, according to his Mom. In order to get him to focus on something else, she has asked him to run for school President. Thanks, Mom.

As you can see, none of these candidates is viable, but several may have a chance, depending on the outcome of the impeachment hearings. If Principal Browning is, in fact, impeached, then Coach Bob will have a chance to name the new President, rather than the election having to go through the rigorous process set up by Principal Browning in order to make things fair. If Coach Bob does select the President, it is likely to be his son, Robert.

More to come! This is an exciting year at Anderson Middle School!